Wait. And. See.

We ate “Flasbankaka” for dinner tonight. I guess it is swedish for “oven pancake”. Whats really funny is that since the stovetop is broken, we had to brown the sausage on the grill. Well, I happily drank coffee with it since Seth and I were planning on watching the new Jim Gaffigan disc once the kids went to bed. 

But…He fell asleep on lucy’s floor. So I slipped out of bed – not quite tired enough to turn my brain off for the night. 

I saw a lady from church today as I was driving home from a small contract job I picked up and she said, “I never see you guys anymore – how are you all?”

I realized it was time to write.

My best friends and I like to give one another analogies that sum up the season of life we are in. Our most famous question is 

“If you were to describe your life as an egg… what kind of egg would it be?”

You would be surprised by the conversation that can develop among friends.

A more recent question has been:

“If you were to name this season of life as a chapter in a book – what would that chapter be?”

My answer to this chapter: Wait. And. See.

When Jack was still in utero Seth and I joked around that we were going to name him “waitandsee” after multiple doctor visits and appointments ended with that prognosis. I wish I kept a tally of how many times I heard this phrase in the past year.

Last year was when we found out Jack didn’t have fingers. I was reflecting on that a few nights ago as I watched him sucking his newly formed thumbs as he drifted to sleep. My eyes sting a little as I am witnessing this miracle unfold. Just one year. a long year… and so much has happened. 

He is 11 months old now. 

He has three fingers on each hand, three toes on each foot…

His smile makes everyone around him happy.

He has learned to sit and splash in the water. 

Just today his special ed teacher who specializes in cognition said that he is scoring within normal limits for his age. 

He doesn’t roll, doesn’t crawl, doesn’t eat solid food, doesn’t sleep through the night… 

He uses his hands as if he had all his fingers. 

He eats his feet and tries to roll away when I change his diaper. 

He is an absolute joy to know.

And yet I mostly have to avoid people. 

I love people so on one level it has been crazy hard to stay home… 

my everyday is so full though. 

We potty trained lucy this week and it is going amazing!  She loves the princess potty and wearing undies and does a cute dance every morning as she relishes the freedom of no diapers 🙂

I cried today when I called the ENT office to have them fax yet another release form  – my third or fourth attempt to get the right papers to the right people so that all three of Jack’s insurances have the right things that they need at the right time. I switched contact people with one insurance company so I don’t have to struggle with the new person. Nothing against new people….but Jack is complicated and she was in over her head with our situation. So I am hoping for better luck with this new lady. 

Oh – you can buy our house now 🙂 It finally hit the market right before the 4th and we have had almost 10 showings so far!  It feels wonderful and horrible at the same time. Never before have I had so many irons in the fire waiting…. just waiting to see the results…

Seth said, “it feels like we put the hook in the water and are now watching the bobber…”  Since then I have had fishing dreams… dreams where the fish was so big it pulled me into the water. Other dreams where I thought I had the fish but it escaped right when I pulled it into the boat. 

Fears have surfaced… that maybe God was going to use this house to discipline me for some sin I had committed…

clearly you see how dangerous my mind is 🙂

So God intervened…

16 This is what the LORD says– he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, 17 who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick: 18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. 20 The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, 21 the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.”

In his kindness he reminded me of the things HE has done after he reminded me earlier in the chapter of how he felt about me…….

“But now, this is what the LORD says– he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; ……..10 “You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. 11 I, even I, am the LORD, and apart from me there is no savior.12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed– I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “that I am God. 13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?”

I have gotten WAY to narrow focused as of late. 

A fellow Apert mom asked recently if others were feeling lonely… I hadn’t even considered that as being a problem of mine. I have crazy awesome support – both in family and with other apert moms through the internet. I am full of appointments, phone calls to insurance companies… and yet… somehow I still feel like I am drowning in it sometimes.

I had a friend come visit me this week. It was pure joy… I have been feeling afraid to visit with old friends. Mostly because I feel like I don’t have anything to talk about other than my stuff and I don’t really want to just sit and talk about my stuff. At the same time… I want them to acknowledge my crazy stuff and let it be crazy and marvel with me at the craziness that it is. phew. 

Jack was born on a tuesday. I came home the weekend after he was born, leaving him in the NICU to visit Lucy for a day or two before returning to Jack. I remember walking into my parents screen porch and my sister telling me, “really you guys are the perfect parents for Jack…” I stopped her with tears saying – “ I would rather anyone else go through this…”

I recalled this earlier this week with the amazing realization that I don’t wish that at all anymore. I truly feel privileged to be the mom to jack and lucy. I can’t believe how blessed I am. God is with me as I walk through these waters… and I get to be there with them as they walk through their waters. God gave me that amazing joy. I am so incredibly thankful to him for the life I get to live. With amazing people I live it with. I wouldnt wish to do anything else. And I want to be a witness… 

Oh… and a few more things I should write down because my mom says I’ll forget and its true…

Jack got his first teeth when he was in casts at 9 months. He now has 8 teeth just two months later!

At the doctor office the other day jack started saying his third babble sound. He now says “da” “ya” and he added “ba”. I literally cheered at the hospital when I heard him say Ba – because it was the first time I saw him close his mouth – haha… the nurse looked at me like I was nuts. which made me laugh even harder 🙂

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